Today is my birthday. I remember thinking that my age now was super old when I was younger. I remember thinking that I would have myself totally together. I’d probably live in a posh home, with perfect decor, all white because my kids would be close to grown. I’d probably never second guess myself or feel inadequate or wonder if I will ever feel like I will never fully grow up.
The beautiful gift of getting older is that it isn’t at all what you think it will be. Life happens so quickly that all you can do is hold on and try to soak in the moments. I never imagined that at my age I would have a 5 month old baby. I never imagined that those older kids, close to grown, would make me so happy and proud that I never want them to leave, even in exchange for the return of my beloved white furnishings. I never imagined that everything I own would probably have seen better days and that I would prefer a love-worn life far over the well designed one that I had once dreamed of. I never imagined that I would continue to second guess myself every day, especially when I tuck my kids in at night and see their sweet, sleepy faces and know that the only thing that I want to do “right” in however many years I am given is raise them to a happy adulthood, filled with warm memories of these years that are happening right now.
Birthdays are sweet like that… you get to stop and look around at where you are and soak in what your years have given you. I am thankful for it all. I am not where I imagined I would be, so many years ago, but when it is time to blow the candles out on my cake, the only thing there is left to wish for is more of the beautiful same.